I HATE myself.

I'm jealous. I'm a jealous person by nature and I always have been, and I always will be. I'm jealous and I'm possessive and these are extremely undesireable qualities that I acknowledge in myself and I wish I could change them but I haven't found the right away to do so at this point in my life, probably because I have a lot to learn about the ways of the world and the way people are and I want things I can't have and when other people get them, it makes me more or less depressed and behind. I'm jealous -- it's who I am and I hate it.

Jealousy is one of the things I hate the most about myself. It makes me seem so selfish. I'm jealous that my friend and this guy that I like (for stupid reasons and selfish reasons and desperate reasons and I wish I didn't care about him at all) are getting along famously because I feel like he likes her and I just want to wind the clock backwards so he likes ME again. I hate being on the rocks with someone I used to have such a special, wonderful relationship with. It's completely gut-wrenching to feel this way. I hate it. I feel pathetic and I feel alone and I feel like there's nothing I can do but watch someone so special to me slip through my fingers completely.

I'm desperate in addition to my jealousy. Tonight I was talking with my friends about incidents with bullying and it made me realize that my whole life, I've felt completely undesired. I'm shy and I don't talk to a lot of people and I feel like people exploit shyness. It's easy to pick on and easy to tease and easy to take advantage of. No wonder I'm a survivor of sexual abuse; it's clearly something I walk into, these horrible situations that I'm too afraid to control or too scared to do anything about. When I've had friends in the past, they've abandoned me, or sold me out. It's happened time and time again so why wouldn't I be desperate to be liked? I just want to be liked. That's all I want in this world, just for someone to look at me and realize something inside of me that I don't see in myself and just... like me. Like me more than other people, and put me first in their heart and make me feel special and acknowledged and appreciated.

Once someone, this guy for example, tells me they don't want me, I back off even though it hurts me, and I let them live their life. I can hardly engage him in conversation anymore when before, it used to be so easy. Now, the only time I can do this, is when I'm alone with him -- which never happens anymore whereas before, it used to be a regular occurance. I'm not worried about anything -- I'm not worried my best friend is going to pursue this person -- I'm sure she's not interested and I'm sure she knows he's off-limits. But that doesn't help me become first in the heart of the person that I adore. Yes. I adore him. A lot of people who may read this are probably thinking of what a pathetic, lonely person I am. I don't deny that I'm pathetic and lonely but the thing is, unrequited love hurts. It hurts so much. It's the worst and most agonizing, masochistic feeling on earth. I wake up everyday, thinking of how to next give my love to someone who doesn't want me and never will. I envision things, a wedding, a date, even just one more kiss, just ONE more. I'll never get that kiss. I know this in my brain, but my heart has no idea and wants to keep believing that what was special before will be special again. Why do I do this to myself? I just want to forget him, I just want to forget that, I just want someone to come and hypnotize me and erase any recollection of that ever happening, for both of us. Because he knows. And I know. WE KNOW. We both know that things happened. And although both of us pretend for different reasons that nothing happened, they did. They happened. And it wounds me that we can't ever talk about this again, because it meant a lot to me. But he's the kind of person who sweeps "feelings" under the rug. He claims not to have them, he claims not to care, he doesn't want to hear it or talk about it or acknowledge it. And there's always going to be this secret, this thing, this elephant in the room that no matter who he ends up dating or what happens to him in any aspect of his life - if I'm still there, so is the time that we kissed in front of his building and then he led me upstairs and we spent the Goddamn fucking NIGHT together. That will NEVER go away. Whether it comes back or not, it will NEVER go away and that's just that. And I can't forget it and I think about it every day and I'm sure he doesn't. I'm sure he doesn't even think of me at all. And I hate, I just HATE, that I care. I really do hate myself. More than is healthy, more than is comprehensible, more than life itself. I completely, utterly HATE myself. I want all this to go away, like a bad dream. I'm a terrible, terrible person.